The
lost tales of David Hansen
That was recently
discovered, so I guess their not really lost.
Here is a ballad that I wrote in the 9th
grade. It’s about a man that can’t find true love.
There once was a man who loved cheese in a can.
Boy did he love it, like it was his own.
One tragic day he dropped in a fan.
He needed to talk, so he used his phone.
He was so very mad he punched his own dad.
He got on with his life and was not sad.
The next girl he met had the name of pat.
He was in love, like never before.
He really did think that she was all that.
Later on, she inhaled an anthrax spore.
He was so very mad he punched his own dad.
He got on with his life and was not sad.
The next love of his life had the name brook.
He really did think that she was the one.
She was fishing, and got killed by a hook.
He was devastated, and that’s no pun.
He was so very mad he punched his own dad.
He got on with his life and was not sad.
He gave up on love; he was a loser.
He decided that he was unlucky.
He was worthless; he became a boozer.
So he got a pet and named it plucky.
He was so very mad he punched his own dad.
He got on with his life and was not sad.
Here is an Elegy that I also wrote in the 9th
grade about poor old John Bumly.
Poor old John Bumly.
He had a good life,
Tragically cut short.
He was bumming around on Sunday, April 6th,
When he got drunk.
He wanted to leave the city,
So he waited for a train to pass.
He tried to jump into a boxcar,
But unfortunately he missed.
He landed in front of the train,
Due to his horrible timing,
He was laying on the tracks for 5 seconds
Before he got ran over.
He didn’t survive,
But his spirit will live forever,
Floating around and making things smell bad.
So if you’re walking along some railroad tracks
On April 6th, and you smell a foul odor,
It is old John Bumly,
Bumming right behind you.
Here is an Ode to my Wristwatch written in grade 9. This
is one of my favorites.
Boy ‘o boy, I like my wristwatch.
I bought it from an old crotch.
That old man didn’t want to give it up…
But I went up to him and I said “Sh’up!”
My watch is my first material possession.
Unfortunately, It causes depression.
My mom saw it, and started crying,
She threw my watch in a pan and started frying!
I said “Yo Yo Ma! Don’t do that!”
“I’ll do what I want, you’re so fat!”
She kept on frying, so I punched the stove.
It broke, so away from my mom I drove.
I wound up in New York.
Some loser stabbed me with a fork.
It was rusty, so I passed out.
He got away with my watch, so I began to pout.
I never saw it again; boy was I sad.
Just the thought of the burglar makes me mad!
Oh well, no big loss, I guess.
It’s not worth it, making my life a mess.
Here is 3 5 lined poems, also written in the 9th
grade.
There once was a man from Nantucket.
He was so poor; he lived in a bucket.
His hair was dark green,
He smelled like a bean,
Found a knife, in his face he stuck it.
Lots of fat kids live on Ft. Collins.
One of those kids was Matthew Stallins.
He was really large,
As big as a barge,
He was so fat; he went to New Orleans.
There once was a kid who was angry.
His face was never really plainly.
He always did yell,
Oh man, did he smell!
He was always usually fuming, mainly.
*Note that some were changed slightly for the better. Only the creator may look at the originals.